Chinese is difficult

Whoo... who knew speaking Chinese for forty minutes would be so dizzying?

It's amazing how much I take English for granted, nonchalantly flinging bits of slang, esoteric words, and banal cliches left and right. What's even more amazing is that I'm basically starting at ground zero for Chinese, even though I'm technically Chinese (double-check that). Hmmm... maybe I'm more Chinese American, or American Chinese (what is that) or American? I have a funny feeling that I implicitly reject Chinese culture due to my disastrous grasp of the language.

I can say that I know all of the dim sum dishes (in Cantonese and Mandarin), but that's not really an achievement. It just means that I'm a pig. Plus, pointing works just as well. In a non-dim sum restaurant, I sometimes order the only dish I can read on the Chinese menu just to feel superior, i.e. green vegetable or boiled chicken. Unfortunately, rice is usually complementary, so that cuts down my vocabulary by half. More often than not, I address the waiters in Chinese and they promptly reply in broken English. Or the waiters take one look at me and start conversing in English. I swear I don't look like the rest of the Chinese population. Maybe it's my air of self-possession and supreme confidence. Nah, it's probably my double chin (two more than the average Chinese girl) and either looking like a beach bum wannabe or like I missed the restaurant that served foie gras and caviar and ended up in Chinatown instead.

It's nothing compared to what actually happens in China. It seems that all of my Chinese American friends have tales to tell about China. More specifically, about how there are three clothing sizes in China, 00000, XXL, and XXXL. I know this because I apparently can only fit into XXL on a good day. Considering that I wear medium sized tops in most American stores and size 4 pants, it's a bit ridiculous that I'm considered morbidly obese in China. Chinese people are not known for their tact. Every cousin and aunt and uncle says to me, "Oh my, you're strong. Strong like a bull. You have arms of tree trunks and legs like monumental pillars." I can't even imagine that a guy would take that as a compliment, and I'm most definitely not a guy. Buying shoes is even more hilarious. I admit that I have huge feet for my height (eight and a half), but the size apparently doesn't exist in China. Venders would look at my feet blankly and state, "It's impossible for any human being to have feet that big." Okaaaaay. How do I respond to that? "I'm not actually a human being. I'm some foreign species with absurdly large feet."

Being obese in China, it's natural for people to chase you down with weight loss pamphlets. It's also uncomfortable when three other people squeeze into a small box of a dressing room and start happily stripping next to you, although that's preferable to the sales lady coming in and dressing you herself, tugging and pulling and pushing and doing god knows what to places-I-don't-ever-want-another-woman-touching-me-unless-she's-my-doctor. I've decided to avoid Chinese department stores altogether. 99% of the time, the salespeople just stare at me condenscendingly and tell me that there's nothing in my size. The remaining 1% is spent at stores which carry XXL and devoted to unwarranted dressing room drama.

Other amusing incidents:
1) Me wearing a raincoat in the summer (it was raining!) and the sales lady asking me if I was from the North Pole.
2) Me singing along to an English music video and the sales lady telling my mom that my English was pretty good.
3) A friend who also didn't speak Chinese well ended up having another concerned parent tell her mom that "there are special schools for people like your daughter."
4) Telling all the sales people that I'm Taiwanese to explain my American accented Chinese.
5) The first question strangers ask my 6'1" friend, "Wow, you're so tall. Do you play basketball?"
6) The first question strangers ask his parents, "What do you feed him?"

Ok, I guess I shouldn't knock China and Chinese people that much (I think I'm really Chinese since my XXL trumps 00000?). We make good food and good Olympics, and that's all that matters.

Disclaimer: I last visited China six years ago, and I hear that Chinese people have gained some weight since then. I'm sure you can find 0000 in stores now as well as XXXXL.

Disclaimer #2: I stretched the truth just a bit for the purposes of this post. I can actually read about 20% of any Chinese menu, but the waitresses still speak to me in English (maybe it's my penchant for blue toenails). I actually wear XL, and I'm sure I saw other sizes ranging from 0000 to 00. Only two other people crammed themselves into my fitting room.