Two classes, two TAships, two tutees. All things are coming in twos this term, and I've realized that I just can't juggle very well. Yesterday, I woke at 7AM to give this student office hours at 8, which she never showed up for. Then, I had two office hours in the afternoon for the other class that I'm TAing. I got a student who asked me a basic question that I couldn't answer, and wanted the midterm regraded, which I didn't grade in the first place. In undergrad, I didn't understand why some of my TAs seemed like they didn't know shit. Now I have to give them a lot more credit. Compared to them, I know even less, and I don't even give recitations. It's no secret that professors who focus on research are horrible lecturers. Teaching takes up too much time without obvious benefits. Theoretically, it's a nice idea to help people and help them improve, but it just doesn't materialize in practice.
Teaching and tutoring is relatively easy despite the annoyance. The material is shallow and doesn't require much thinking. Also, there's an obligation to one's students, which takes some time. I can fumble through my classes, but I have to know the material if I'm going to tutor someone. Moreover, I always put in more effort into helping other people than myself. It's easier to do things that are easier and put the things that we really should do aside. Am I so lacking in self-respect or self-discipline that I can't force myself to do what I think is right?
This non-juggling doesn't even take into account my pitiful lack of a social life. However, my isolation is self-enforced. Considering that I'm not too happy with where I am right now, I'd rather not go out with people and make them miserable as well. Conversely, the thing I miss most about college is having people around to talk to. Just living with people made it all more bearable. I'm not religious or fatalist or anything of that sort, but it just feels that every part of my life is off in some way, and more connected than not. I do believe that things can't possibly be smooth at work when things at home are out of place and vice versa.
Nor do I think that I am the only person my age not to have a clear sense of direction. I don't envy people who know exactly where they're going to be ten, twenty, or thirty years from now. However, I wish that I were more content with the process of searching. Contrary to popular belief, not all journeys of self-discovery lead to personal development. I'm not sure that I am a better person compared to myself a year ago. I'm not being fair to myself, and there's some part of me that wants to know when I'll be finished wandering and actually become a productive and happy member of society again.
Saturday, November 17, 2007
creepy crawling critters
Yuck...I just saw a gigantic mouse running across the carpet. Why do mice keep on following me? I swear, the mouse that lived behind my fridge back in college made me scared to step inside my own room. I endured that one (a baby mouse for a year). Hopefully I was imagining this one (but probably not). Earlier today, I squashed this enormous bug with twenty flailing legs with an index card (the only thing I had on hand). Half of its legs fell off, but the rest continued wiggling. Now I feel like puking. There's something about small things that gross me out.
Maybe I should work hard just so I can afford a nice mouse and bug free apartment. The thing is, I don't really care about having nice things and I'm lazy, but I can't deal with critters. I'm not the world's cleanest person, but I'm not a total slob either. It's inconceivable that mice seek out my apartment because I don't have food anywhere in sight. The world is injust. Then again, maybe this is some kind of punishment for goofing off instead of doing my problem sets or grading papers, which is what I should have been doing.
I woke up at noon today, which I rarely do. Then I spent some of today watching Black Hawk Down, which also contributed to my feelings of nausea, especially the displaced thumb and the gruesome live surgery in the movie. The first time I saw the movie was my freshman year of college, when I stayed up most of the night to watch it after Armageddon. I think I started bawling at the end. I remember this incident because it was the day of my 18th birthday, and all of my friends were so sweet and surreptitiously cooked me a birthday brunch. My roommate kept on slipping in and out with bags of flour and cooking utensils, afraid that I would notice. Hah. My eyes were glued to my laptop screen and teary. At that time, I hadn't seen that many movies, I was more selective in my movie selection, and I was less jaded and resigned than I am now.
After that, I meticulously analyzed tunebite and started to look at muvaudio. I was surprised by tunebite's high quality. I still have to look at muvaudio before I buy either one. Then I analyzed 128 kbps vs 192 kbps vs 320 kbps. Honestly, I have some music that's 80 kbps, and I could hardly tell the difference between that and some of my other music. But then again, I'm almost completely music illiterate and tone deaf, so that's not very surprising. As for music players, I like the sound of iTunes the best. WMP sounds awful and the sound breaks, even when I attempt to adjust the equalizer. I guess it's always fun to learn things that aren't things that I'm actually supposed to be learning:)
Maybe I should work hard just so I can afford a nice mouse and bug free apartment. The thing is, I don't really care about having nice things and I'm lazy, but I can't deal with critters. I'm not the world's cleanest person, but I'm not a total slob either. It's inconceivable that mice seek out my apartment because I don't have food anywhere in sight. The world is injust. Then again, maybe this is some kind of punishment for goofing off instead of doing my problem sets or grading papers, which is what I should have been doing.
I woke up at noon today, which I rarely do. Then I spent some of today watching Black Hawk Down, which also contributed to my feelings of nausea, especially the displaced thumb and the gruesome live surgery in the movie. The first time I saw the movie was my freshman year of college, when I stayed up most of the night to watch it after Armageddon. I think I started bawling at the end. I remember this incident because it was the day of my 18th birthday, and all of my friends were so sweet and surreptitiously cooked me a birthday brunch. My roommate kept on slipping in and out with bags of flour and cooking utensils, afraid that I would notice. Hah. My eyes were glued to my laptop screen and teary. At that time, I hadn't seen that many movies, I was more selective in my movie selection, and I was less jaded and resigned than I am now.
After that, I meticulously analyzed tunebite and started to look at muvaudio. I was surprised by tunebite's high quality. I still have to look at muvaudio before I buy either one. Then I analyzed 128 kbps vs 192 kbps vs 320 kbps. Honestly, I have some music that's 80 kbps, and I could hardly tell the difference between that and some of my other music. But then again, I'm almost completely music illiterate and tone deaf, so that's not very surprising. As for music players, I like the sound of iTunes the best. WMP sounds awful and the sound breaks, even when I attempt to adjust the equalizer. I guess it's always fun to learn things that aren't things that I'm actually supposed to be learning:)
Sunday, November 04, 2007
why I hate the telephone
Until recently, I didn't understand why I dread holding phone conversations. Up until a year ago, I would actually have to work up my courage to punch in the numbers and press the little dial button. Then I'd start having a bad adrenaline rush where my whole body was in a complete state of tension. Given that my communication skills aren't stellar to begin with, talking on the phone just freaks me out. There's probably one or two people who I'm comfortable talking on the phone with, but only because I'm so comfortable in their presence.
I realized that when I talk to people in person, I rely excessively on nonverbal signals, perhaps more than the average person. Obviously, we all gauge how a conversation is going by the other person's facial expressions. On the phone, I feel like a blind person steering a car. I have no idea where I'm going. People tell me I sound robotic and unnatural on the phone. It's because I don't know how to handle the conversation.
As opposed to awkward phone conversations, I prefer email and instant messanger because the medium matches the method, both non-emotional and simply conveying information. I can't respond as actively to a voice over the phone than a face-to-face encounter, although I feel that the phone attempts to duplicate a live meeting. I can't gather all of the details that I need and I can't express myself purely through my voice. Of course, going through Excel spreadsheets over the phone doesn't work terribly well either. I really had to steel myself for that conversation and promptly went into hysterics the second it was over.
I realized that when I talk to people in person, I rely excessively on nonverbal signals, perhaps more than the average person. Obviously, we all gauge how a conversation is going by the other person's facial expressions. On the phone, I feel like a blind person steering a car. I have no idea where I'm going. People tell me I sound robotic and unnatural on the phone. It's because I don't know how to handle the conversation.
As opposed to awkward phone conversations, I prefer email and instant messanger because the medium matches the method, both non-emotional and simply conveying information. I can't respond as actively to a voice over the phone than a face-to-face encounter, although I feel that the phone attempts to duplicate a live meeting. I can't gather all of the details that I need and I can't express myself purely through my voice. Of course, going through Excel spreadsheets over the phone doesn't work terribly well either. I really had to steel myself for that conversation and promptly went into hysterics the second it was over.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)