good things come in twos

Two classes, two TAships, two tutees. All things are coming in twos this term, and I've realized that I just can't juggle very well. Yesterday, I woke at 7AM to give this student office hours at 8, which she never showed up for. Then, I had two office hours in the afternoon for the other class that I'm TAing. I got a student who asked me a basic question that I couldn't answer, and wanted the midterm regraded, which I didn't grade in the first place. In undergrad, I didn't understand why some of my TAs seemed like they didn't know shit. Now I have to give them a lot more credit. Compared to them, I know even less, and I don't even give recitations. It's no secret that professors who focus on research are horrible lecturers. Teaching takes up too much time without obvious benefits. Theoretically, it's a nice idea to help people and help them improve, but it just doesn't materialize in practice.

Teaching and tutoring is relatively easy despite the annoyance. The material is shallow and doesn't require much thinking. Also, there's an obligation to one's students, which takes some time. I can fumble through my classes, but I have to know the material if I'm going to tutor someone. Moreover, I always put in more effort into helping other people than myself. It's easier to do things that are easier and put the things that we really should do aside. Am I so lacking in self-respect or self-discipline that I can't force myself to do what I think is right?

This non-juggling doesn't even take into account my pitiful lack of a social life. However, my isolation is self-enforced. Considering that I'm not too happy with where I am right now, I'd rather not go out with people and make them miserable as well. Conversely, the thing I miss most about college is having people around to talk to. Just living with people made it all more bearable. I'm not religious or fatalist or anything of that sort, but it just feels that every part of my life is off in some way, and more connected than not. I do believe that things can't possibly be smooth at work when things at home are out of place and vice versa.

Nor do I think that I am the only person my age not to have a clear sense of direction. I don't envy people who know exactly where they're going to be ten, twenty, or thirty years from now. However, I wish that I were more content with the process of searching. Contrary to popular belief, not all journeys of self-discovery lead to personal development. I'm not sure that I am a better person compared to myself a year ago. I'm not being fair to myself, and there's some part of me that wants to know when I'll be finished wandering and actually become a productive and happy member of society again.