December Doldrums

December has never been a great month for me. It's as busy as hell, trying to finish papers, exams, and grading up a storm. Then there are these pesky little single letters that ruined Christmases for years (not that I really celebrate Christmas), and even peskier letters that spell 'New Year's Resolutions,' which I choose not to recognize. To top it off (I'm not whining, really), I still manage to freeze to death under four layers of blankets at night. 'Tis the season to be frowny.

Maybe I'm being melodramatic, but the end of the year always begs for reflection. I'm hoping that this luxury will disappear once I go out into the real world (or the monotony will kill me). As someone who hates doing chores, thinking about everything that I've put off for the last three months gives me the chills. Take Christmas card writing. What's the point? I communicate with almost everyone whom I'd like to communicate with via email during the year. Writing cards to acquaintances seems awkward, especially when the two of you drift further and further apart. When do you stop? Two years in? Three?

The hardest part of the holidays is dealing with relationships . How do you reconnect with people who were once your closest confidants? How do you mend fences that can't be mended? This year, I quit. I'm done with unrealistic expectations and emotional minefields. Why should I be striving for a utopia that will never exist?

potpourri

I don't know if I like this new background...seems a bit too chirpy for me.

Dug up this awesome quote from a year ago: "You get a little moody sometimes but I think that’s because you like to read. People that like to read are always a little fucked up." I'm almost positive it's the other way around.

After reading a review for Coco Chanel & Igor Stravinsky, I decided to list all of the actors whom I admire for their acting prowess, not to be confused with actors whose looks I admire:

- Mads Mikkelsen (After the Wedding, Open Hearts)
- Robert Downey Jr. (Almost everything)
- James McAvoy (Atonement)
- Johnny Depp (Everything, just everything)
- Daniel Craig (Layer Cake, Casino Royale)
- Clive Owen (Closer, Children of Men, Gosford Park)
- Tony Leung (Lust, Caution)
- David Strathairn (Good Night, and Good Luck)
- Casey Affleck (Gone Baby Gone)
- Javier Bardem (The non-English movies)
- Christian Bale (American Psycho, Rescue Dawn)
- Mark Wahlberg and Matt Dillon

Oh no...I'm drifting into that gray category between good actors and personable/hot actors. I'll stop now before I give myself a headache.

Quotable Quotes

"Being good at commas is like being a good kisser. It's likely that the person is also good at everything else."

"I don't enjoy overly Jewish books."

"That was such a great quote and I used it all the time. I don't quite remember what it was."

I'm a shallow shallow person

Job hunting must be one of the most cheerless and boring activities ever. It's a billion times worse than networking, since at least there's alcohol involved (Suddenly, I know how to make cover letter writing more fun). While fixing my resume, I decided that the only way to go about it was to reinvent the wheel and list everything I've done in the past seven years. During this harrowing exercise, many phrases and quotes floated between my ears, including: "breadth over depth", "jack of all trades, master of none", "more is less", etc. etc. It's little wonder that I keep on complaining about my grades and performance all the time. Sometimes I breathe new life into "being spread to thin." This is where everyone gives me a collective "Duh."

In undergrad, I took...way too many classes each term, did a total of five UROPS and three internships. Nothing really changed in grad school. I TAed 10 classes over three years. Now, in the MBA program, I tried to take 7.5 classes, TA 4 classes, lead 2 clubs, and recruit in one quarter. Life has not changed. Life is not so good.

There is nothing good about breadth over depth unless I want to be on Jeopardy or Who Wants to be a Millionaire. First, my performance is obviously hit or miss...and the misses are pretty awful. Second, I become entrenched in a mindset that everything is short-term. Third, relationships really suffer, and finally, I feel like I'm stagnating as a person. Going absolutely nowhere and regressing.

I try to do too much because things bore me pretty easily, especially when repeated. There's a constant fear that if I cut down by half, I would just putter the other half away. I like to think of myself as somewhat thrill-seeking and hedonistic, so maybe overextending is my control mechanism instead of something more effective and less destructive, like...self-control. Maybe if I believed in New Year's resolutions, I'd work on...right. If anyone knows of a job where I can do something new and exciting every day, please let me know. Thank you.

Future movie round-up

I've seen a total of 4 movies in the past 4 months (the number 4 is popping up quite a bit), three in the past week and one over Thanksgiving. Oh, the deprivation! Here's a sample of what's on my list:

And who can resist RDJ in all of his snarky cuteness?

the things I've learned...

After 4 months of being in an MBA program, I've learned a few things about myself:

1. I can function on less than 5 hours of sleep for weeks at a time...at a level that Forrest Gump could relate to, but functioning nonetheless.
2. TAing 4 classes, taking 7, and recruiting in one quarter isn't very sustainable...read: muti-tasking is not in my destiny.
3. MBAs are really smart. And entitled. And savvy (not the pirate-kind...well, only the select few)...the roads are paved with dandelions on my swift trek back to mediocrity.
4. Microsoft Outlook can be addictive...despite its penchant for crashing at inopportune moments. I've become one of those email junkies...someone get me a micro$oft patch.
   

why I switched careers a year ago...

I didn't want to be publishing articles like this for the rest of my life (courtesy of The Review of Financial Studies):

• Maximum Likelihood Estimation of Latent Affine Processes
• Walrasian Tatonnement Auctions on the Tokyo Grain Exchange
• An Equilibrium Model of Rare-Event Premia and its Implication for Option Smirks
• An Isomorphism between Asset Pricing Models with and without Linear Habit Formation

Anyway...you get my drift. Real world, here I come!

world domination

I am so obsessed with Risk that it borders on the insane. I spend hours plotting over strategy and mulling over how to defend the Balkans and how to attack Siberia. War is extremely personal for me, and Risk scares me because it mimics a lot of what happened in WWI, WWII, the nuclear arms race, and to a lesser extent, regional conflicts in Africa and Asia. Humans are probably at our most stable point right now, but the idea that things can topple so quickly (WWI and WWII) is frightening and too real. The part of Risk that freaks me out the most are armies amassing across from each other, and this brings to mind border conflicts such as India/Pakistan, North/South Korea, etc.

For anyone who knows me, I'm absolutely crazy when it comes to games. Risk is especially bad because I get so involved that it takes me three months to calm down after one game. Three of us started an online game at 11PM last night and finished at 8PM tonight. I literally spent every available brain cell mulling over which territories to conquer. This happens in every game, but I have an insatiable desire to win (or not lose), more than anyone else I know. Board games are my heroin. Instead of studying, I fight imaginary wars.

Give me any game and I will fight to the death, whether it's Uno or Risk. How do I regulate my constant state of emotional overdrive? While it might be helpful in an actual war when the objective is to annihilate the opposition, my rational side is screaming at me to find a balance, or better yet, veer completely to the side of reason for everything else. If I could funnel 1/100 of the enthusiasm I have for games towards my career, I could be Bill Gates by now. That explains so much, but it's time to tone down the intensity and carry on.

Awesome Quotes

Here are some awesome quotes I dug up from an old planner from seven years ago:

It is awfully easy to be hard-boiled about everything in the daytime, but at night it is another thing. - Ernest Hemingway

Isn't that quote absolutely delicious? I can't say that I love Hemingway's actual works, but his quotes are to die for. Here's another:

Never confuse movement with action.

Yes, filling every day with inane little things and skittishly pacing back and fro doesn't really accomplish too much. Especially if you're like me...then I think this quote expresses it best.

A perfect method for adding drama to life is to wait until the deadline looms large. - Alyce P. Cornyn-Selby

And why is that, really? Maybe not all of us can be as aware as e.e. cummings.

the eyes of my eyes are opened - e.e. cummings

It's difficult to focus when you really don't have a plan or a direction. Then, even an f/64 stop isn't going to help all that much.

There is nothing worse than the sharp image of a fuzzy concept. - Ansel Adams

If and when I ever find something satisfying, maybe I can take some inspiration from Picasso:

It is your work in life that is the ultimate seduction.

Knowing my unglamourous self, I'll just have to settle for

Invest yourself in everything you do. There's fun in being serious. - Wynton Marsalis

I'm in love

with my new one-shouldered green dress from Armani Exchange. Apparently Hayden Panettiere likes it too.