ad infinitum

Yup. I'm at a new motivational low...yet again. The predictability of my life is becoming slightly grating. When you're prepared for the peaks and the troughs and they're exactly where you thought they'd be...it's hard to drum up any feeling for anything.

In theory, there's some crap like I have control over my life. Everything always works perfectly in theory, but reality is just a mass of gray splotches. I feel like I'm going blind. It's wonderful to have dreams, but then I wake up and life's about paying the rent, paying my taxes, wondering when I'm going to fit getting married and having kids into my life, if I'm going to finish all of my problem sets on time, if I'm going to become a professor, and if I do, if I'll get tenure, how much fatter I'll get if I don't exercise...so it's easier not to have dreams at all. It's easier just to not care because it hurts too much to look outside and not see anything.

It's frightening because I think that I had dreams at one point. Now I just don't care. Reality's gotten the best of me. It's easier to take the path of least resistance. I'm tired of fighting and tired of trying to change. Honestly, people don't change that much after a certain point unless they're traumatized, and I could do without. I think the worst thing would be if I still felt like this in ten years. It's not so much the world rushing by me as the feeling of everything standing still. What's the point?